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[18 Jul 2005|04:06pm]

one of these days you look back and wonder where everything has gone where everybody has gone and what you´ve been doing and then you understand that nothing´s ever gonna stay the same and you keep changing all the time and so do the others until you lose them on your own way when they stay on theirs and you still wonder what has happened and don´t know whether to be sad or not but you feel far far away from them and like you´ve never known them but you know you´ve never felt as good as you are feeling now since you feel like you´ve finally deleted the past even though the marks are still there to remind you that the past HAS been reality.
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[11 Mar 2005|09:22pm]

"You should know", said estella, "I´m what you´ve made me.
Take all the praise,
take all the blame,
take all the success,
take all the failure;
in short
take me."
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[11 Feb 2005|10:40pm]

Running down Abbey Road.


I think I'd rather be on the ground than flying.
Do I love the sound you hear when you turn the page of a book while holding your pointer- or middlefinger to it: preferably a schoolbook with those shiny new pages, you asked. Yes, I love. Love me.

Now, I have to water the flowers of our hill still. Shall I see you soon at the lake?

Your musketeer.
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That I would be good, but not to them. [25 Oct 2004|02:56pm]

[ mood | Seeking revenge (rejected). ]

Their condemnations.

They were talking about me behind my back, and it wasn't positive things. What hurts me most is that they didn't even try to hide it, and that he didn't stick up for me.

Daar sta je dan, 's avonds twintig over elf EN JE BENT ALLEEN.
Je had zoveel te verwerken.
En kijk eens aan, daar staat de grote denker, aan het werk op de grens van land en zee.

Holy holy how much longer will this last? Genoeg om niets getreurd! Hou eens op met het huilen naar de maan!
15 minutes left .. 15 minutes left .. 15 minutes left .. 15 MINUTES LEFT.
Ze zei 'Lief, als je niets hebt te vertellen, dan hoef je niet te bellen volgens mij'.

Lief. Lief. Lief. Lief. Morgen is dood en niet lief. Verdomme!

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[21 Oct 2004|06:03pm]

[ mood | guess how ]

what do you do when everything´s broken?
what do you do when nothing matters anymore?
what do you do when you stand in the middle of all the sherds?
what do you do when no one´s there to catch you when you fall?
what do you do when all your precious illusions are gone?
what do you do when everythings cracks up?
what do you do when you can´t breath anymore?
what do you do when everyday is the same?
what do you do when everything´s just cold?
what do you do when everything´s full of lies?
what do yu do when everythings you can do is cry?
what do you do when you can´t stand up anymore?
what do you do when everything you know is just pain?
what do you do when all you want is just sleep?
what do you do when the night is your day?
what do you do when no one´s around?
what do you do when no one will listen and understand?

what, tell me what is it that you do at the end of the day?

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[19 Oct 2004|07:10pm]

when is this gonna stop?
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[01 Sep 2004|07:26pm]

[ mood | sad ]

can anybody please tell me how to survive all alone in this world?

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[26 Aug 2004|02:17pm]

"how bout me enjoying a moment for a while?"
i´m incapable of this.
if i could, i would like to keep this moment of bliss,i´m feeling right now,keep it for worse times when the sky is falling (again) and i know it will
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RED. [03 Aug 2004|02:04pm]


My newest project. Hopefully finished before October.
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[02 Aug 2004|03:41pm]

Daydreaming nightmares.
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[15 Jun 2004|12:30pm]

why does it feel so good to cry?
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a quite messy weekend [07 Jun 2004|02:39pm]

"girl, you just have this one life, are you sure that this is what you wanna do with it?" said the nurse as she stung the needle into my arm

i spent the weekend from thursday to today in the hospital after having taken 25 paracetamol.
man i´m trembling all the time i guess i ruined my liver.
but i don´t care
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[06 Jun 2004|12:06am]

Sometimes I wonder why I'm afraid even. I don't fear pain and I don't fear blood. Then what's left to be frightened over? I'm afraid of her. I can't even explain and therefor it's my own fault.

(Inside I realize).
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[03 Jun 2004|06:04pm]

and the other days too. i´m a mess. hope they don´t see it or i´ll end "there" again. wouldn´t even care coz i don´t care for myself
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[24 May 2004|06:33pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

i´m really pissed off. my preffered distraction from stupid things is broke - internet. this fucking pc just won´t work forr 5 days already. and there´s nothing i could do against it.

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[18 May 2004|03:36pm]

[ mood | undescribeable ]

"menschen sind ja so phanTAHHstisch"
-andy warhol-

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[17 May 2004|10:40pm]

That's what they call surrealism.
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another sleepless night [17 May 2004|12:53am]

[ mood | restless ]

i can´t sleep. had such a great positive weekend, which actually surprises me.usually my weekends suck but this time i enjoyed it. i was thinking about my so-called friends at school and how they always come to me and let me be their problem solver. i don´t care about it, but i so appreciate the people who talk to me about their problems but listen to mine in return. i tried to be the light hearted person this weekend, and i did that very well i guess, even had fun.
i got a typewriter today, coz i went to a garage sell and begged my mom´s bf to buy it. it makes a great loud noise while writing and i bet he´ll regret having bougt it.
me and a girl who is in my latinclass we created a religion this wekend, it´s called "association of the animal´s right to talk about itself as a being who posseses a soul" and the ruler/god is "attila" ( my cat). the reason why we created it was that my cat is going to die soon.he´ll turn 11 this year and he´s a great guy.actually it was just foolish stuff and creating our religion too.i dunno i like that girl, she surely is a better friend than my so-called ones are.and plus: she´s not making me depressed.and she´s german so i don´t have to speak english, which i lately feel i suck at
"is it any wonder i can´t sleep? all i have is all you gave to me, is it any wonder i found peace? through you"
the later it gets the more frustrated do i get, so, sorry

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[16 May 2004|09:40pm]

It is so much easier to blame myself.
I can't be assertive right now or anything that comes near. I can't even talk right now. I can't cry, I can't do anything. I have decided to no longer please anyone. Yet that's the only thing I want.

Empty grainfield
And there's birds reading the ears
Picking them out

But I can't swallow
And I'm sorry if you hate
Well you cannot understand
I don't understand

Why I had to be an empty grainfield.
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[16 May 2004|05:31pm]

[ mood | Aching. ]

I try to act relieved, and for one second I think I'm convinced I actually am.
Next moment I realize I'm not and my own voice starts to speak the truth again, I realize that I was not relieved. I realize I haven't gone far enough. I was just not thinking for a moment. Maybe there were people today that couldn't appreciate my behavior at all. If there were then I'm one of them for sure.
Help me someone, help me bleed.
There's songs inside my head and they make it even worse. Although they give me something to hold on to. Do nothing without the singer.
I shall have to make myself pay. I will. You are not aching enough yet. Make yourself pay.

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